How To Heal PTSD

Recently I read this quote in a thread on PTSD Forum:

“Telling a person with PTSD to ‘get over it’ is kind of like trying to heal a broken bone by hitting it with a hammer.”

This is so true, isn’t it?

The effects of PTSD only get worse when people who don’t understand it or us start declaring what we should do about it. The metaphor should remind all of us that sometimes people watching from the outside just don’t really get what’s going on on the inside. But that’s OK. We know what’s going on, and our ability to communicate it is another value of talking.

Today’s the last day of the second month of our BRIDGE THE GAP PTSD healing workshop and our 2009 PTSD New Year Healing Resolutions #2: I WILL TALK.

A quick recap of the top 10 healing steps we’ve covered this month:

1 – the importance of talking in the healing process

2 – 10 reasons you don’t want to speak; and the one reason you really, really should

3 – the importance of integrating memories

4 – learning to talk

5 – tips for outlining the story

6 – putting the story on paper

7 – crafting the script

8 – learning to say it out loud

9 – preparing to share the story with someone else

10 – letting the story out

It’s not easy to begin telling our story, but it does get easier. It’s like walking: first you stumble forward and do a faceplant, then you learn to hold onto things nearby so you don’t fall. While you do this you learn how to rhythmically and with balance put one foot in front of another. You develop a level of comfort and proficiency. You begin to walk a little faster, a little farther. One day: you run great distances. That’s the future for all of us.
But you don’t have to take my word for it that talking and choosing the words helps. Maybe you’d like a scientific and medical reference for the value of writing out the story and then telling it; no sweat:
This TIMES ONLINE article, ‘Feel upset? Writing it down helps you calm down, scientists say’ explains that recent research findings “suggest that one of the main motivations for writing and verbal expression… is the way such activity brings peace of mind and relieves stress.” The article goes on to say that, “The research could also be medically useful, as it suggests that writing therapy could help people suffering from psychological conditions such as social anxiety disorder, phobias or post-traumatic stress.”

So there. If you ever questioned what we’re doing here, rest assured: I do my homework. More importantly though, I lived it. I’ve done it. Our traumas and healing journeys are all individual, but our symptoms are universal. The best self-healing practices are, too.

(photo: Darren Hester)

Recently I read this quote in a thread on PTSD Forum:

“Telling a person with PTSD to ‘get over it’ is kind of like trying to heal a broken bone by hitting it with a hammer.”

This is so true, isn’t it?

The effects of PTSD only get worse when people who don’t understand it or us start declaring what we should do about it. The metaphor should remind all of us that sometimes people watching from the outside just don’t really get what’s going on on the inside. But that’s OK. We know what’s going on, and our ability to communicate it is another value of talking.

Today ends the second month of our BRIDGE THE GAP PTSD healing workshop and our 2009 PTSD New Year Healing Resolutions #2: I WILL TALK.

A quick recap of the top 10 healing steps we’ve covered this month:

1 – the importance of talking in the healing process

2 – 10 reasons you don’t want to speak; and the one reason you really, really should

3 – the importance of integrating memories

4 – learning to talk

5 – tips for outlining the story

6 – putting the story on paper

7 – crafting the script

8 – learning to say it out loud

9 – preparing to share the story with someone else

10 – letting the story out

It’s not easy to begin telling our story, but it does get easier. It’s like walking: first you stumble forward and do a faceplant, then you learn to hold onto things nearby so you don’t fall. While you do this you learn how to rhythmically and with balance put one foot in front of another. You develop a level of comfort and proficiency. You begin to walk a little faster, a little farther. One day: you run great distances. That’s the future for all of us.
But you don’t have to take my word for it that talking and choosing the words helps. Maybe you’d like a scientific and medical reference for the value of writing out the story and then telling it; no sweat:
This TIMES ONLINE article, ‘Feel upset? Writing it down helps you calm down, scientists say’ explains that recent research findings “suggest that one of the main motivations for writing and verbal expression… is the way such activity brings peace of mind and relieves stress.” The article goes on to say that, “The research could also be medically useful, as it suggests that writing therapy could help people suffering from psychological conditions such as social anxiety disorder, phobias or post-traumatic stress.”

So there. If you ever questioned what we’re doing here, rest assured: I do my homework. More importantly though, I lived it. I’ve done it. Our traumas and healing journeys are all individual, but our symptoms are universal. The best self-healing practices are, too.

(photo: Darren Hester)

We’re coming to the end of the second month of the BRIDGE THE GAP healing workshop. First, we explored the idea of creating the right intention for healing. Now, we’ve been looking at the importance of learning to speak about our trauma. Today, take a breather from all the work you’ve been doing to heal and let it settle. Sometimes, it’s good to step away and let the ideas, thoughts, beliefs and expectations work their way into their proper places in our minds.

Yesterday, I spoke about PTSD to a group of survivors and caregivers at a local hospital. A large part of the discussion came to revolve around the idea of how survivors see themselves after their trauma. One cancer survivor said that he was having trouble reconciling how he saw himself (as weak) after his cancer struggle versus how his colleagues viewed him in recovery (as strong). This is another value of speaking: in addition to finding the words to express our trauma, we also begin to find words to express what we’re thinking and feeling about it. When we can tell people what we’re struggling with we can work through the ideas so that we begin to see things in a better, more healthy way. By the end of the discussion this man began to see how others might perceive his recovery as strong even though he himself knows that he had weak moments. Hopefully, as he goes through the next few days he’ll revise his own opinion of himself and see the strength his recovery represents.
There’s a balance to be found in perceptions; talking helps us find it. Through talking we learn to reperceive events. This is incredibly helpful in healing, especially because so often our perceptions – muddled by emotion – are incorrect. I’ll give you another example:

There was a moment during my trauma when I felt myself leave my body. There was a tunnel ringed with white light. I was moving toward it. In the midst of all my pain it felt GOOD! I wanted to go there and get lost in it. This memory, both incredibly intense and also fuzzy around the edges, haunted me for years. I thought about it constantly, strove to find that peace again, and wished more than anything that I could have remained in that other place. I knew myself there, I recognized myself; back here in the normal world I did not recognize myself at all.

After my PTSD diagnosis I did a lot of research to understand what was happening to me post-trauma. In all of that research I came across the idea of dissociation. I didn’t fully understand the concept, so I found Holly, a trauma therapist, to sit down with. I interviewed her about dissociation. I grilled her for all of its meanings and implications. I learned that dissociation is what the psyche does to preserve itself when an experience threatens to overwhelm it. Ultimately, our discussion caused me to learn these very important things:

1 - Part of my PTSD was struggling with recurring dissociative states of depersonalization and derealization. I needed to address these things in order to heal.

2 - I’d been looking at that tunnel memory all wrong. It was not supposed to be life-defining; it was supposed to be life-preserving.

3 - Instead of wanting to get back to that out of body experience and live there, I should respect the intelligence of my psyche and appreciate how it worked to support me in a traumatic moment.

4 - I should honor that some deep part of me knew what needed to be done and when, but also understand dissociative states are not ones in which I am meant to live, nor are my memories supposed to define my future.

5 - I’d been chasing (and chased by) a memory that was supposed to be a brief moment in time, but my own thoughts and emotions had created it into The Meaning of Time.

6 - My lack of understanding was hindering my healing.

Geez, that’s a lot to learn just from talking about one thing! The fact is though, once this misperception was corrected my healing moved to a new place. Talking can do this: it can remove our inaccurate perceptions and correct our journey so that we can heal.

Just another reason to consider letting the words flow. You might actually heal when you do. Talking leads to understanding leads to healing. Now, wouldn’t that be worth talking about??

Have you experienced something similar to this, in your trauma or healing? Leave a comment or shoot me an email.

(photo: PhOtOnQuAntiQuE)

By now you’re thinking about with whom you’re going to take this next step in healing and share your story. How’s it going? Have you decided who it will be? What are you thinking as you mull over the choices?

One benefit of beginning the talking process is that it will help improve your relationships with friends and family. I know if I had talked earlier it would have really saved my family a lot of grief. They could see I was suffering, but they didn’t know what was wrong or how to help. (I could see I was suffering, but I didn’t know what was wrong either. Talking gave me a way to figure it out.)
Another point: my erratic and aggressive behavior often made my family feel like they were the problem and so a wide gulf was often created between us. Not a nice way for them to spend family dinners, vacations, and holidays. Especially vacations and holidays. I ruined many.

It’s hard to live with and love a person with PTSD – we are foreign to people who are not suffering and they are foreign to us. The only way to bridge the gap between them and us is with words.

[Note: Maybe your family is the problem. All the more reason to find someone outside of it with whom you can share and find support for healing. Later you can heal your family relationships if you choose. Even that will come down to words.]

You can prep people before you tell your story by showing them this article, ‘What I Wish My Family Had Known About PTSD‘. A guide for friends and family to understand us, this article explains the basics of our PTSD experience and how they might relate to every part of it.
Now that you’re imagining to whom you might share your story, take that thinking a few steps further and consider:

1 – The best time for this discussion. What would provide the right circumstances for this type of conversation? When will you have some private time you can invite someone to sit down and listen? Look at your calendar and choose a day that you will have time to prepare and center yourself (for example, by doing some breathing exercises or meditation). Speaking about our trauma can be stressful; choose a time you will not feel rushed, and a time your listener can give you his/her full attention. Also, choose a time you will not need to go or be anywhere afterward so that you can gently unwind from this conversation, perhaps with some more breathing and meditation techniques.

2 – The best place for this discussion. Do you think it will be easier to discuss this in the privacy of your home? Which room will make you feel most comfortable? Think of every room in the house and decide which one will make you feel most relaxed. Or, you might choose to have this conversation in a public space. Sometimes, when we’re out of our personal environments we are more able to view and act objectively and in a controlled emotional state. DO NOT ATTEMPT THIS CONVERSATION IN THE ENVIRONMENT IN WHICH YOUR TRAUMA TOOK/TAKES PLACE.

3 – The best way to tell the story. First, let’s say this: You do not need to be perfect in how you get the story out. The more you tell it, the easier it will become. I stuttered a lot when I first began relating the chronology of events. I couldn’t think of words, I lost my place; I wasn’t sure what I wanted to say or how to say it. You have a script – take it with you. Break it out into bulleted forms or put large spaces between paragraphs so you can refer to it if you get lost. Second, let’s say this: You do not need to be perfect in how you get the story out. Even with all of our preparation we can’t always tell the story without stopping and starting to gather our thoughts and control our emotions. That’s OK! There are no points or awards for perfection. Healing isn’t about being award-winning in our communication; it’s only about communicating so that we begin to find and receive the help we need so our struggling eventually ends.

In opening up we must be in a situation in which we feel safe, secure and believed. We must decide the level of detail we desire to share. In choosing the person, place and time, make sure that all factors will come together so that you are feeling comfortable and prepared for what you are trying to do.

Lastly, remember this: I suffered in silence for 20 years. As you know from your own situation, those were not happy years and I missed a lot of life because I was not willing to dive into what was wrong and come out the other side. Don’t make the same mistake. Be brave. You can do this. Open your mouth and let the words and emotions and past come out. Let the past come out so that the future can come in.

(photo: revod)

Posted by Michele Rosenthal

In his book Youth and Identity Erik Erikson states, “… the ‘I’ is all-conscious… we are truly conscious only insofar as we can say I and mean it.” Can you say ‘I’ and mean it??

In order to survive the aftermath of my trauma, ‘I’ was a word that conjured too much fear and confusion for me to say. What slowly emerged as my post-trauma self was a girl who denied everything, beginning with the need or right to speak and extending to everything that might have been good or pleasurable. Joy was denied. And happiness. Religion. Trust. Faith. Medicine. Love. I believed in nothing, not peace or gladness. Neither glory nor pride. Everything became suspect. Everything became a potential trap into which I might fall and the result would be an overwhelming blight of emotion, an empty vortex of disillusionment, a catastrophic event.

Nothing seemed safe, so I never achieved a major step of the healing process: I didn’t “acknowledge the harm … [of] experience and discharge … feelings of grief, anger and despair.” Fear ruled me, and regardless of how often my mother offered to talk (which she did since the day of my hospital release) regardless of how often she suggested I might feel better if I did, I raged in anger at the idea until she, too, fell silent. And so, rather than move through denial and depression and anger toward a new understanding of myself, over the years I sank deeper into a definition against rather than of the new ‘I’. Plus, I sank deeper into an internal silence until finally, there was no voice at all.

I was 13 when my trauma occurred. I was 17 when I first spoke about it. In the intervening 4 years I couldn’t come anywhere near the subject.

And then something broke inside of me and what gushed out one impromptu day was something I don’t even remember. All I remember was that my mother and I were out to lunch and the next thing I knew I was sobbing and she was holding my hand and it was the first time I admitted to myself that I was struggling with the past.

It would be another 20 years before I realized I could be healed; before I made the choice to become healed and do whatever it takes to make that be so.

What I do vividly remember from that day with my mother, as we lunched at a local diner and then drove to New York City for the afternoon, was the huge feeling of release. The feeling that I was no longer carrying around a secret – from myself and everyone else. It would be years before I spoke about it again, but I still remember the tremendous feeling of a weight being lifted. And also, my surprise that it could be lifted just by my attempting to talk.

For the past 3 weeks we’ve been building up to the moment that you share your trauma with someone else. Over the weekend, I posted the voices of other survivors who are finding the words. Now, it’s your turn.

BRIDGE THE GAP EXERCISE:

Your mission this week is to determine one family member, friend, or professional practitioner with whom to share your story. Make a list of the possible candidates in each area.

Carry the list with you; refer to it during the day. If you do not immediately know whom you wish to open up to, let your inner voice guide the way. When you randomly look at the list you will feel a reaction to the names on it. Which name has a positive reaction associated with it?

[Note: If you have already accomplished this step of speaking to family, friend and practitioner, your focus should be on whom you will tell the secrets you still keep. I went through years of therapy without admitting to my therapist what the real driving force was behind my PTSD. I talked about the horror of my illness, but I didn’t mention my continual flashbacks about leaving my body or how those flashbacks were driving the day to day life I was trying to lead. When I finally did tell him this, it brought me to a new level of healing. We cannot fully heal if we keep secrets. Now’s the time for you to get comfortable with the idea of letting out the last bits of information you’ve kept to yourself.]

Some points to think about:

1- The goal is not to go around telling our suffering to unspecified people who may or may not want to hear it. The plan is to reach out appropriately by developing the ability to have a dialogue with a support network: specifically chosen family, friends and practitioners.

2- Anyone to whom we tell the story should be in the position to have chosen to hear it and indicate how much detail he/she desires to know. Be up front about the nature of what you wish to share.

3 - In choosing to whom you will talk, consider the qualities that person possesses. For example, is he/she kind, empathetic, compassionate, respectful, understanding, supportive? You do not need to share with someone who does not have the characteristics to understand the courage it takes to do what you’re doing, and the conscience to know what the right response will be.

4 – Do not feel shy about your right to speak. One of the effects of PTSD is our detachment from the world. This is a major impediment to healing. If we are suffering without support, then telling the story is not a self-indulgence; it is a necessity. Healing cannot occur if we are all alone with our thoughts.

(photo:Elephant Soap)